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Limericks

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. And click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago. And be sure to check out the latest How To Do Everything podcast. This week, Mike and Ian reveal the world's most effective pee dance. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

VIRGINIA WISEMAN: Hi, this is Virginia, originally from Illinois but calling from Oregon.

SAGAL: Oh, I see. Where in Oregon?

WISEMAN: Portland.

SAGAL: Oh, of course. What do you do there?

WISEMAN: I work on renewable energy and climate change issues.

SAGAL: Of course you do.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Tell me about your tattoos.

(LAUGHTER)

WISEMAN: I don't have any.

SAGAL: Really, you don't have any? Do you have to wear, like, long sleeve shirts just to hide the shame?

WISEMAN: No, I just tell people my tattoo's where they can't see it.

SAGAL: Oh that's good, very sneaky. Virginia, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to perform for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you will be a winner. Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: I like rolling hills, sunny landscapes, so my burial plan's taking shape. My vintage is fine, lay me down near the wine, and bury me close to the...

WISEMAN: Wine?

SAGAL: It is, in fact, related to wine. But it doesn't rhyme with wine. It rhymes with 'scapes (ph) and shape.

WISEMAN: Grapes.

SAGAL: Grapes, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: The Catholic Diocese of Oakland has come up with a bold scheme to make money - to turn a local graveyard into a vineyard. It's called Bishop's Vineyard. It features 16 acres of a variety of grapes - the Pinot noir, both flavors of red, raspberry, Bing cherry and Bing Crosby.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Oh, that's where they put him. The Chardonnay is described as both fruit-forward and Aunt Ruth-forward.

(LAUGHTER)

BRIAN BABYLON: So you just put the bodies in there and then...

SAGAL: ...Yeah. I mean, like, the - you can be buried in the vineyard where they're growing the vines.

BABYLON: But they're not putting you in a casket. They're, like, using your body as fertilizer?

SAGAL: I would hope so. I would love to come back as, like, a decent, mid-priced bottle.

FAITH SALIE: That would be like...

(LAUGHTER)

SALIE: That would be like a cool, like, Stephen King novel about...

PETER GROSZ: Oh my God.

SALIE: ...About the bodies that rise from the dead. And it would be called Teroir (ph).

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, here's your next limerick.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Hef's mansion plays host to some drinkies (ph) and many a fetishist's kinkies (ph). Now the house and the lake go to Hostess snack cakes. It was sold to the guy who owns...

WISEMAN: Twinkies.

SAGAL: Twinkies.

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Assuming it passes the inspection - which, let's be honest, is no sure thing - the Playboy mansion has a new owner. The owner of Hostess Snacks paid $100 million for Hugh Hefner's house. That seems like a lot of money until you realize the mansion sits on six acres of land, includes 12 bedrooms, eight bathrooms, three pools, a zoo and 750 unique strains of chlamydia.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Well, you know, I bet - I heard a story back in California, and one of the little things is Hef still has to live there.

SAGAL: Yes, he does.

GROSZ: Yeah.

BABYLON: Until he goes into...

SAGAL: ...Well, it's nice...

GROSZ: ...But he's 90 also, right?

SAGAL: It's nice that the owner of Hostess Twinkies has bought the place 'cause with his technology, he can have Hef still looking fresh for a hundred years.

GROSZ: Yeah.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right, here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: To my smartphone's allure I succumb. I swipe and I type till I'm numb. This technical widget is work for my digit. I'm getting a really strong...

WISEMAN: Thumb.

SAGAL: Thumb, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Thumb, very good. We all know that smart phones are changing the human body. Our posture's becoming more hunched. We're feeling phantom vibrations. And now according to research out this week, swiping our phones is making our thumbs - in some cases - 15 percent bigger. Well, if that works out well for thumbs, people might start swiping with other things.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Virginia do on our quiz?

BABYLON: You know.

KURTIS: Two solids and a - we'll call the third a win.

SAGAL: There you go. Congratulations.

KURTIS: Virginia, congratulations.

SAGAL: Very well done, Virginia. Thanks for playing.

(APPLAUSE)

WISEMAN: Thanks, bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF ROLLING STONES SONG, "UNDER MY THUMB") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.

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