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Limericks

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924, or click the contact us link at our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming show in Cleveland, Ohio, on December 8. And be sure to check out the latest How To Do Everything podcast. There's only two episodes left. So if you don't like it, it's really no big deal.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

COURTNEY BARAJAS: Hi. This is Courtney from Austin, Texas.

SAGAL: Hey. How are things in Austin, Texas?

BARAJAS: You know, pretty much the same as they are everywhere else in the country right now (laughter).

SAGAL: Oh, I'm sorry.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Anyway, well, welcome to the show, Courtney. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you will be a winner. Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: He tried dating slow - no avail. So he left me a sad, slimy trail. With his left swirling shell, he's in gastropod hell. So I'll find love online for my...

BARAJAS: Snail?

SAGAL: Yes...

KURTIS: Yes...

SAGAL: ...Snail.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: You think it's hard to find a date these days, but at least you aren't a mutant, slime-covered mollusk named Jeremy.

AMY DICKINSON: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Jeremy lives at the University of Nottingham, and this is true. Because his mutant snail shell spirals in a counter-clockwise direction, it is impossible for him to mate with 99 percent of other snails. Their shells go clockwise. So his caretakers did what everyone does looking to hook up - they turned to the internet. Using the hashtag #snaillove, they connected Jeremy with Lefty, a snail from Ipswich. The two got together and did what snails do, which is, quote, "they exchanged loved darts, which are sharp spikes made of calcium they stab into each other's bodies."

(LAUGHTER)

MAZ JOBRANI: Think of how creative those snails are.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

DICKINSON: Wow.

(LAUGHTER)

LUKE BURBANK: This - I saw this story this week in - on a Reddit page that was just dedicated to happy stories.

DICKINSON: Awe, that's great.

SAGAL: Really?

BURBANK: Really and truly, yes. It exists, I encourage people to go check it out as they hear this. It really warmed my heart this week. And the story of those two snails - I don't think of snails as being particularly cute animals. If you see the pictures of these two snails, your day will be improved, I promise you.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Ohh...

SAGAL: All right.

JOBRANI: Are they smoking cigarettes?

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Adorable.

BURBANK: She looks like it was fine.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Like, it was good, not great, but she's had worse.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: He looks extremely happy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: Those chocolate peaks aren't a boulder zone. Since they've shifted, I let out as sober groan. My triangular bar moved the flavor points far. They have changed the design of my...

BARAJAS: Toblerone.

SAGAL: You knew it...

KURTIS: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good. Toblerone, the Swiss chocolate bar and the airport souvenir from parents who forgot to get you something in Europe...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Is - I have done that.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Is reducing the amount of chocolate in the bars sold in the U.K. They're shrinking down the bar's iconic peaks, they're widening the gaps between them making the candy seem less like the beautiful Swiss Alps they're based on and more like the teeth of the British person complaining...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...About Toblerone's new shape.

JOBRANI: Well, maybe it's a reaction to global warming as, like, the mountains are melting. Maybe they...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yeah. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: No holiday mood equaled mine. Even restrooms have bright, undulled shine. My three-ply smells nice, like cloves and all-spice. It's doused with the scent of mulled...

BARAJAS: Pine?

SAGAL: No.

BARAJAS: Oh, wine.

SAGAL: Wine, yes wine...

KURTIS: Wine, yes indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good.

BARAJAS: Mulled pine, that's not a thing, sorry.

SAGAL: No.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: It is now...

SAGAL: It rhymes though. Mulled wine, - this year you can bring the holiday party with you into the bathroom.

DICKINSON: Oh, God. Oh, my God.

SAGAL: Thanks to mulled-wine scented toilet paper from Tesco.

DICKINSON: No.

SAGAL: Each luxury roll is quilted and inlaid with gold trees and snowflakes for you to desecrate.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Oh, it sounds awful.

SAGAL: Well, I mean it's scents the bathroom while it's sitting there, right? And because each roll is scented with cinnamon and citronella and other scents, your bathroom will always smell like you just passed a potpourri burrito.

(LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: What about your bum? I mean...

JOBRANI: Your bum's going to have a party.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Think about it, more mulled wine, please, Amy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Courtney do on our quiz?

KURTIS: She got them all right.

SAGAL: Hey.

BARAJAS: Yay.

KURTIS: You're good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Congratulations and thanks for playing.

BARAJAS: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF WARREN SMITH SONG, "UBANGI STOMP") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.

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