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Who's Bill This Time?

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON, BYLINE: The following program was taped before an audience of no one.


BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. The clock is ticking, so don't Billy-dally. I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host - wait. Is this a surprise? It's Anthony Hopkins?



Thank you, Bill. And thanks to our fake audience, which, in keeping with tradition, will stand every time I say something they approve of. Later on, we're going to be talking to Tariq Trotter, better known as Black Thought. He's the lead MC of The Roots, which is, among many other things, the house band on "The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon." But let's focus on the right now show with you. Give us a call and play our games. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

ELISA: Hi, my name is Elisa. I'm calling from Milwaukee, Wis.

SAGAL: Hey, Milwaukee, right up the lake shoreline from us. What do you do there?

ELISA: I am a visiting assistant professor up at Marquette University in the English department.

SAGAL: Oh, Marquette, yeah. Oh, am I - the Fighting Friars? Am I making that up? I'm making that up.

ELISA: Something ecclesiastical and menacing, yeah, I think so.



SAGAL: That's it. Is that what they shout when they cheer from the stands? We're ecclesiastical and menacing.

ELISA: You know what? As an English person, I can't say.

KURTIS: (Laughter).

SAGAL: I know what you mean. You never go to the games. What are you? Well, Elisa, welcome to our show. Let me introduce you to our panelists this week. First, a comedian who hosts the podcast "Jobsolete" and who brings awareness to Asian American issues with her family's YouTube channel "Old Korean Dad Stories (And Sometimes Mom)." It's Helen Hong.



ELISA: Hi, Helen.

HONG: Go, Frighting Friars.

ELISA: (Laughter) Yeah.

SAGAL: Next, it's the co-host of the "Nobody Listens To Paula Poundstone" podcast whose new podcast "Dad Band Land" (ph) premieres next month on the Starburns Audio Network. It's Adam Felber.


ELISA: Hey, Adam.



FELBER: Go, Murderous Monks.

LACI MOSLEY: (Laughter).

SAGAL: And finally, it's the host of the "Scam Goddess" podcast. You can also see her on "A Black Lady Sketch Show" on HBO and HBO Max and "The Con" on ABC and Hulu. Welcome back, Laci Mosley.


ELISA: Hello, Laci.

MOSLEY: Hey, let's go, Marquette Marquees. That's it, right?

ELISA: Something like that.


SAGAL: Yeah, we don't know. We're all humanities majors. We don't know about any of this. Elisa, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

ELISA: I am so ready.

SAGAL: Here we go. Your first quote is the very last words of a very long speech.

KURTIS: Thank you for your patience.

SAGAL: Who ended his first address to Congress with that stirring note of humility?

ELISA: President Joe Biden.

SAGAL: President Joe Biden, yes.


SAGAL: Biden delivered his first speech of his presidency to a joint session on Wednesday but to a very limited audience because of COVID. There were only a few hundred legislators and no special guests at all. Sorry, hero fireman's daughter. You have to fall asleep somewhere else this year. I'm sure you guys watched it attentively...

HONG: No, no.

SAGAL: ...Like good citizens.

FELBER: Oh, yeah.



MOSLEY: Live-tweeted it, yeah.

SAGAL: Did you, yeah?

MOSLEY: Yeah, we did shots every time he said America.


HONG: I super did not watch it. And I got to tell you, like, I've recently found these amazing CBD edibles that really knocked me right out, so I didn't need to watch it.


MOSLEY: That's why it was such a good speech, Helen, because after four years of every single day being an onslaught of mess, everybody was like...


MOSLEY: ...Ooh, boring. Ooh, put me to sleep. Ooh, nothing.


MOSLEY: Give us nothing, Joe, yes.

SAGAL: (Laughter).

FELBER: I thought it was a great touch at the very end when he read us all "Goodnight Moon."

MOSLEY: Right. I was like, thank you, Pop Pop.

FELBER: (Laughter).

SAGAL: By the way, it was an historic evening because sitting behind the president as he delivered this congressional address were, of course, Vice President Harris, Speaker Pelosi. It was so genuinely moving to look behind the president of the United States and see two people who were not Mike Pence.

FELBER: (Laughter) Inspirational, wasn't it?

HONG: Amen to that.

SAGAL: It really was. And then, of course, after the - his speech, Senator Tim Scott gave the Republican response from the MTV mask-free spring break house in Jacksonville. Woo-hoo.

FELBER: (Laughter). Mitch McConnell did a body shot off him.

SAGAL: Oh, God.

HONG: Yes.

MOSLEY: Yes, state's rights.


SAGAL: All right. Here, Elisa, is your next quote.

KURTIS: Hallelujah, hallelujah.

SAGAL: That was someone in New York responding to the new CDC guidelines that came out this week saying vaccinated people will no longer need to do what outdoors?

ELISA: Wear a mask.

SAGAL: Exactly right.


SAGAL: Masks are coming off. Are you ready? Is your lower jaw in beach shape? New CDC guidance means vaccinated Americans can now go outdoors without masks and even associate outdoors with other vaccinated people without masks. Have you guys done this yet? Have you released yourself into the great outdoors?

HONG: I am so excited about this because as someone who is single and thirsty...


HONG: ...I am so sick of, like, hitting on dudes who, like, look really hot from the mask up. And then they pull the mask off, and it's like, yikes. Wow, I didn't realize that your nose...

FELBER: Oh, you're talking about guys who are COVID hot.

HONG: Yes, yes, exactly.


HONG: Like, they say the eyes are the window to the soul. No, I did not know that the lower third of the face was doing all the heavy lifting. I did not know.

FELBER: I have to say it just - it feels so good, but it feels so wrong. Like, I have - we have gone to the houses of other vaccinated people and been inside, in-person without masks. And I got to tell you. That feels dirtier than if we were doing a masked key party.

SAGAL: Really?

FELBER: Yeah, yeah.

SAGAL: Just actual conversing, sharing air?

FELBER: Standing near somebody, sitting at a table with them, seeing their face? It's just - it feels wrong.

SAGAL: Have you guys - you've heard - I don't know - this joke, saying, oh, my God, what am I going to do? I need a new excuse to get out of social gatherings. And I'm like, are you kidding me? After a year and a half, just - I'm so eager to be the awkward person at the party who's standing in the corner with nothing to say, wishing to go home. That's - I dream of that now.

FELBER: (Laughter).

MOSLEY: Are you kidding, Peter? I can't wait to be in a crowded room in the corner, staring at my phone, just, like, wow, wow. Like...


SAGAL: Wishing I was someplace else.

MOSLEY: (Laughter) I long for that feeling. I realize that is my fun - is just wanting to go home and thinking about being in bed. That's me turning up.


FELBER: It makes bed better when you get there, right?

SAGAL: It's true. It's true.

MOSLEY: Well, you got to give bed some space. You got to make bed want you and you want bed.

FELBER: And that has not been the case during this pandemic.

SAGAL: No, I know.

FELBER: It is always there.

SAGAL: Yeah.

MOSLEY: I'm so easy for bed. I get in bed. And they're like, you're here again, girl? Like, what? What else?

SAGAL: Bed is...

FELBER: It's been two hours (laughter).

SAGAL: Bed is so sick of me. Very good. Elisa, here is your last quote.

KURTIS: If we're kind and polite, the world will be right.

SAGAL: As I'm sure I don't need to tell you, that was Paddington the bear and his classic lines from the movie "Paddington 2," which just toppled what movie and was named the greatest movie of all time in its place?

ELISA: "Citizen Kane."

SAGAL: "Citizen Kane." That's right.


SAGAL: "Citizen Kane" is no longer the greatest movie ever made. That title, according to the review aggregator site Rotten Tomatoes, is now bestowed on "Paddington 2." Film purists are upset. They say that since "Paddington 2" is, of course, a sequel, the fair comparison should be to "Citizen Kane 2: The Legend Of Rosebud's Gold" (ph).


FELBER: Oh, and I don't want to spoil this for anybody who hasn't seen "Paddington 2" yet, but Rosebud is the name of his hat. Sorry.

SAGAL: (Laughter). So Rotten Tomatoes is a very popular site, and it summarizes critical opinion. It comes up with a total score for films. And what happened was this week, they added to their - to the reviews of "Citizen Kane" this obscure review that was written 80 years ago and more or less lost. And when they added that score to the average, it lowered "Citizen Kane's" score enough so that "Paddington 2" took the title, which is weird, of course, because both movies are based on the life of William Randolph Hearst.

MOSLEY: (Laughter).

SAGAL: It's about time, though, that "Citizen Kane" got knocked off the pedestal. Have you seen "Cool Runnings"? "Citizen Kane" is not even the best movie about sledding.

HONG: Yes.



FELBER: Truth, no lying detected.

MOSLEY: I have seen "Cool Runnings."

FELBER: But I got to say the whole method that - of Rotten Tomatoes does this by is like, if there's a negative review, it knocks it down. So the thing that just nobody hated ends up being the best movie of all time. That's like, you know, well, let's look at the - you know, the greatest beverages in the world. And water wins 'cause nobody hates it.

SAGAL: Really?

MOSLEY: I don't know.

SAGAL: So, I mean, you can just get, like, meh reviews? Like, it's OK.

MOSLEY: I don't think we review water enough to say it's the best.


HONG: Talking bears - let's be clear - in a raincoat and rain hat - already out the gate better.

SAGAL: And they called Orson Welles a wunderkind, and he never thought of that.

FELBER: Well, Orson Welles was eventually a bear but kind of a different kind.


SAGAL: Bill, how did Elisa do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Our English professor did it all. Three right. She's a winner.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Elisa.

ELISA: Thank you so much. This was so fun. Thank you, guys.

SAGAL: Thanks so much for playing.

HONG: Fighting Friars.

FELBER: Go, Punching Padres.

ELISA: Thanks so much, guys.


PHIL HARRIS: (Singing, as Baloo) Look for the bare necessities, the simple bare necessities. Forget about your worries and your strife. I mean the... Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.

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