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Who's Bill This Time?

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: The following program was taped before an audience of no one.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Hey there, Charlie. Step into my chocolate factory. I'm Billy Wonka - Bill Kurtis. And here is your host, coming to you from the bottom of a well he fell into weeks ago and just didn't bother to come out, Peter Sagal.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. And thanks to our fake audience, which this week is just Jerry Falwell Jr. watching his wife studying figures with their business associate. We are very glad to be with you all after our very relaxing break, which we spent staring at the walls until our jobs started up again. Later on, we're going to be talking to "SNL" cast member Cecily Strong, who's better at pretending to be Donald Trump's wife than Donald Trump's wife is.

But first, it's your turn to impersonate somebody who cares about winning a voicemail message. Give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

MARTIN KROOP: Hi. I'm Martin from Asheville, N.C.

SAGAL: I love Asheville, N.C. - one of my favorite places. And unlike a lot of people who live in Asheville, you sound like you're from there.

KROOP: I'm not, actually. But I kind of went around the world and then ended up here.

SAGAL: Your quarantine is going OK?

KROOP: Yeah. You know, you say you don't have any kind of audience members, but actually, my dog is here listening, so...

SAGAL: Well, there you go.

(LAUGHTER)

KROOP: He's very excited.

SAGAL: Well, yes. So are we. We haven't had anybody listening. This is great. Well, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's a writer and comedian who hosts the climate justice podcast "Mothers Of Invention" on PRX. It's Maeve Higgins.

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MAEVE HIGGINS: Hi.

KROOP: Hi. How are you?

SAGAL: Next up, a comedian whose podcast "Who's Paying Attention?" is on the All Things Comedy network. It's Alonzo Bodden.

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ALONZO BODDEN: Hello, sir. I too am a fan of Asheville, N.C. Glad to have you on.

KROOP: I've looked you up, Alonzo. And I really like - you know, you seem really good to me.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And a correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and author of The New York Times bestselling "Mobituaries: Great Lives Worth Reliving" - it's Mo Rocca.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

MO ROCCA: Hi, Martin.

KROOP: Hi, Mo.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Martin. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice from our show you might choose on your voicemail. Are you ready to play?

KROOP: I am ready.

SAGAL: Your first quote is a well-crafted rally cry from an event very much in the news this week.

KURTIS: Make America great again - again.

SAGAL: That was Vice President Pence speaking at what?

KROOP: Republican National Convention.

SAGAL: That's exactly right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: The quadrennial conventions are a place for the parties to fool the public about who the candidates are. The Democrats last week depicted Joe Biden to be a youthful, vibrant guy who's been just that way since World War I. The Republicans depicted President Trump as a kind, gentle, compassionate leader who cares about the little guy and minorities. They were so successful at it that President Trump called himself a loser.

HIGGINS: (Laughter).

ROCCA: And I just have to say, justice for Tiffany. She was the only one of the grown-up children that wasn't featured during the network hour. Like, she was relegated to an earlier hour, and it's just not fair. She's like the member of the cast that never gets invited to cast reunions later.

SAGAL: Yeah, I know.

ROCCA: She had also this line in the speech where I just - I don't know if anyone heard this - where she said at one point, a vote for my father, Donald Trump - like, she said it like...

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: ...Like people needed to - like, when she calls her father, she goes, hi, dad, it's Tiffany, your daughter.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: What's weird is that half the principal speakers at the convention were named Trump. And then there was Kimberly Guilfoyle, who was only not named Trump because Donald Jr. won't put a ring on it. Kimberly, come on. You know he's not going to buy the cow if you're giving him the cocaine for free.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: I was, like, wishing she wasn't a Guilfoyle. You know that's - her dad is Irish, so...

SAGAL: Oh, I'm so sorry.

HIGGINS: No, it's OK. But it's such an Irish name. I was, like, oh, no, that's a giveaway. And then they interviewed all of her cousins back in Ireland, and they were, like, what was she doing roaring and shouting on the telly?

ROCCA: Well, it was like her audition for a regional production of "Evita."

SAGAL: (Laughter).

ROCCA: Right? She even did the "Evita" hands at one point.

SAGAL: She did. They were up in the air. She was - like, she was calling - she was either doing "Evita" or calling a touchdown. It was hard to say. Who knows?

BODDEN: And I have to say, Melania, oddly, has become very popular here in California because we are suffering from drought, and we were like, that's it. Replant the garden with no flowers. That's how we'll save water.

SAGAL: Yeah.

KURTIS: (Laughter).

HIGGINS: See?

SAGAL: Makes sense. That would be great.

ROCCA: Well, I did notice that there was a reaction shot of the crowd at one point. And there was only one person, a woman, wearing a mask - only one person. And then suddenly, she vanished. And I thought, they turned her into mulch for that new garden.

SAGAL: They did. They did.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, very good. Here is your next quote. It's someone who had to resign this week as head of Liberty University.

KURTIS: I haven't done anything.

SAGAL: That's technically true. He didn't do anything. He watched someone else do something. Who is it?

KROOP: It's Jerry Falwell Jr., I believe.

SAGAL: Yes, it is...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Jerry Falwell Jr.

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SAGAL: After years of rumors about the evangelical leader's private life, the other shoe finally dropped this week, along with his pants. It turns out that Falwell and his wife had a relationship with this handsome young man they met when he was a pool attendant in Miami. People said all of this was the height of hypocrisy for an evangelical leader, but come on. This is biblical. You know, do unto others as you would like others to do unto your wife while you are watching.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Well, first all the name, of the pool boy is Giancarlo Granda.

SAGAL: Yes indeed.

ROCCA: I mean, that's kind of a great - I mean, if your given name is also your porn name, that's pretty amazing.

SAGAL: That's true.

HIGGINS: Yeah, (laughter) that's amazing.

SAGAL: He doesn't have to change it.

ROCCA: And there were also two other people involved in this, right? There was a previous pool boy, I think, named Gordon Bello. And then there was also a trainer named - I've followed this story...

SAGAL: Apparently, Mo.

ROCCA: Yeah.

SAGAL: Tell us all.

ROCCA: There was a trainer named Benjamin Crosswhite. I mean, really - I have the advanced calendar, so I know which nine are coming up in this scandal.

HIGGINS: (Laughter).

BODDEN: On some level, you do have to admire this guy for being able to perform with Jerry Falwell Jr. in the room. I mean, that is...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: Yeah. That's...

SAGAL: Yeah. That requires concentration.

BODDEN: That's something you imagine when you have to stop.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: That's...

ROCCA: It's another version of dead rats, dead rats, dead rats.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here we go, Martin. Now, your last quote is from a spokesman for KFC.

KURTIS: That thing we always say - ignore it.

SAGAL: So KFC - that's, of course, the fast-food fried chicken franchise - they say, in the light of the pandemic, they're no longer going to use what famous slogan?

KROOP: Finger-licking good.

SAGAL: That's right...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: ...Martin. Congratulations.

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SAGAL: If you think about it - and they did - finger licking is just not a good idea to do in the middle of the COVID pandemic. It's the same reason why Tic Tac breath mints dropped their slogan, eat one, then French kiss a complete stranger.

HIGGINS: (Laughter).

SAGAL: It's strange, though - after all these years of them using that slogan, we never knew they meant lick other people's fingers.

BODDEN: Well, that's what I was going to say. I mean, they do understand you're licking your own fingers. We would hope...

SAGAL: Yes.

BODDEN: ...That you don't just - wow, this chicken's so good, I'm just going table to table making friends.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: I prefer to watch other people lick their fingers.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Yes. Thank you, Reverend Falwell. Now, KFC says they will drop the slogan from ads and remove it from their packaging, leading to a lot of confusion. People will buy buckets of their fried chicken and say, wait? But how good is this? Is it lip-smacking good, tummy-rubbing good? I just don't know.

BODDEN: And also, people will have hands covered in chicken grease and not know what to do.

SAGAL: That's true. Think of the grease stains on everything. You know what would be weird, though - if this weird, small publicity change actually ends the pandemic. It turns out it was finger licking the whole time.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Martin do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Very well - got them all right. And he did it with a wonderful accent.

KROOP: Well, I feel very fortunate to have been on the show. And I'm a big fan, so...

SAGAL: Thank you, Martin. Did your dog enjoy it?

KROOP: I don't know. He's just lying on the couch.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. We'll just assume he's a quiet fan. Thank you so much, Martin. Bye-bye.

ROCCA: Thanks, Martin.

KROOP: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "CHICKEN FRIED")

ZAC BROWN BAND: (Singing) You know I like my chicken fried. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.

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