It wasn’t love at first sight when Oleta met Melvin. They didn’t meet at a high school dance. Rather, love blossomed over dinners at a senior’s retirement home.
Oleta Diamond is 80 years old and Melvin Barham, her new boyfriend, is 92.
Oleta just happens to be the mother of University of Utah psychology professor Lisa Diamond — who teaches a course about older people falling in love. Diamond said her parents were married for more than 50 years when her dad passed away in 2015.
Now, her mom has found love again and Diamond said she is acting like a teenager.
“When she talks about Melvin her eyes light up and she gets all cute. She texted me after she’d kissed Melvin for the first time in an elevator.”
If it sounds just like young love, that’s because it is. Studies on older adults who have found love again show that it’s no different from falling in love for the first time.
“All that puppy love does not change,” Diamond said.
"Neuroimaging of the parts of the brain that are active when we're in that early, passionate stage of infatuation looks exactly the same whether you’re an older or younger person. You just can’t stop thinking about them and want to be with them all the time. You’re distracted and feel like a kid.”
With the number of Utahns who are 65 or older set to soar by 2060, we're likely to see more people finding love later in life — like Lisa Diamond’s mom. In the meantime, Melvin wants Oleta to buy a bikini.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity
Pamela McCall: As people age, responsibilities like raising kids and making a living, all that stuff, goes by the wayside. How does that help love to flourish again?
Lisa Diamond: Those are like love killers or at least passion killers. They drain a lot of energy. We know there's a big decline in relationship satisfaction after couples have children because of the stress. One of the things that I find kind of beautiful about the relationship my mom's in is that they don’t have to worry about the needs of their children. Spending time together is pure pleasure and that is a gift for late life to be able to just enjoy your relationship without having to manage a million other things.
PM: Does finding love later in life do anything for a person’s longevity?
LD: The system in the brain that bonds us to people that we’re romantically in love with is exactly the same system in the brain that bonds infants to their caregivers. It’s about care and nurturance, security and trust. Those are human needs, and you never outgrow them. Feeling isolated and uncared for is as big a risk for mortality as smoking.
PM: What about the sex lives of older people who found love again, or maybe found true love for the first time. What are they up to?
LD: Older bodies sometimes can't do all the things that younger bodies used to do. And the couples that are the happiest are the couples [that] feel comfortable negotiating change. Like, “well, I can't do that. My back hurts.” Or, “this is kind of off the table, but what else can we do?”
PM: How does the family react when a parent finds love again later in life?
LD: It can vary and it can be tricky. Some kids would feel, “Oh my God, I thought that you just felt that way for mom and now …” So, I think with any family those issues are going to get awkward. I think it's really important for children to remember that their parents are full grown adults, with their own intimate lives, and that whatever feelings they have about their parents, maybe finding love again, those are theirs. They can work them out on their own. If you want respect from your family members, you have to give it too.
